Saturday, 19 July 2014

... Things Wrong With Transformers: Age Of Extinction

It's been a few days since I saw Transformers: Age Of Extinction. Originally I was going to write a review, however, the film physically made my brain hurt... seriously, it gave me such a headache and, I have to admit, I found myself thinking about pulling the pin on one of Lockdown's grenades and embracing it like an old friend... Anyway, instead of writing yet another review that says 'it's c**p!' or 'failure of modern film making!' I figured I'd write a lists of my issues with it... Allons-y!




Before I get into the list, I want to note, I am a huge Transformers fan, I have loved it since I was a small child, which is probably why Bay's treatment of the franchise irks me so. Also, I considered limiting the list to top 10, however, trying to limit it to 10 was nigh on impossible... if you've seen it, you probably know what I mean.

It kinda goes without saying, many spoilers follow!




01. Aliens wiped out the dinosaurs!
Amongst scientists, the top hypothesis about the cause of the extinction of the dinosaurs has always been, the asteroid theory. Bay's film, as was the case with Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, rewrites history... the true cause of dinosaurs extinction was in fact, an alien race terraforming the planet, and it's inhabitants, into a malleable metal.

02. Dinobots are from Earth?
Does the Dinobot skeleton in the Arctic, at the start of the film, mean, the Dinobots originated from Earth... then left Earth, then happened to be brought back by Lockdown?

03. Arctic security measures!
The Arctic excavation site at the start of the film holds an amazing scientific discovery, in order to keep this discovery safe, the people behind it have put in place stringent security measures... a fella with a shot gun and a random metal detector that only your honesty stops you skirting around.

04. Optimus at the movies!
How the hell did Optimus end up in the movie theatre? I understand he probably wanted to see a movie, however, there is no visable hole in the walls or roof and, there is no way, in either robot or vehicle mode, that Optimus would fit through the door.

05. Optimus at the movies part 2!
How did the movie theatre owner never notice Optimus until Wahlberg pointed him out?

06. Lockdown can turn into a gun!
Anyone who knows the Transformers franchise will know, Megatron turns into a gun... well, apart from in Bay's films. Instead, Lockdown gets Megatrons alternate form.



07. Field of Lucky Charms!
Why was Lucky Charms hanging around in the field? If Wahlberg's whiny daughter was sneaking off to see him instead of hanging with friends as she stated, surely the safe place to hide would be further, down the long drive out of site of the house.

08. Autobot desert oasis!
I get that the Autobots are hiding from humans, who incidentally, they could easily squish with their little finger... however, what I don't get is, why are they hiding in the desert? Surely two sports cars, a supercar and a military vehicle together would look more out of place there than almost anywhere else.

09. Meet the new bots!
Where did the new bots come from? In previous films new bots arrivals got explained with throw away lines about Optimus' signals etc, in Age Of Extinction, they're just there, deal with it!

10. Bumblebee... you're an a******e!
The new Autobots' attitudes are questionable, however, we have never seen them before in the movie world, that could be what they are like... What I do have issue with is Bay turning Bumblebee into a Autobot version of Sam Witwicky.

11. Needlessly killing Ratchet (and others)!
In Dark Of The Moon, Bay started a new trend of needlessly killing off Autobots. In Age Of Extinction, he takes it up a notch killing (mainly off screen), almost all Autobots from previous films. It seems to be he is trying to create shocks however, he has no idea how to do this so is trying to go down the over done, kill off a big character route.



12. Drift, you German made Samurai, you!
I understand, having received an explanation from the first film that, the Autobots 'learned Earth language through the world wide web', that this is why Drift speaks like an American films interpretation of a Samurai. I can also sort of understand that when they are in robot mode, their appearance is somewhat dictated by the parts available from their vehicle and thus, he looks like a Samurai. What puzzles me is, why does he turn into a German car and, not only that, one that isn't known for it's drifting ability. It's probably just me this bothers, but surely, if you are going to have a Asian character with a name relating to a style of driving, you could find something that fits... like say, any Nissan Skyline ever made.

13. Drift copter!
If Drift can have two alternate modes (Bugatti and a copter), how come this hasn't shown up before... or even been mentioned before?



14. Wahlberg's daughter!
She's like a female Sam Witwicky... that's all I really need to say.

15. Wahlberg's daughter part 2!
She is supposed to be in high school, and, probably under the legal age of consent in most places (minimum American school leaving age is 16 and, in Texas age of consent is 17)... so obviously, Bay keeps focusing close up on her arse in ridiculously short shorts... I am in no way a prude, it just seems weird to me this 49 year olds obsession with putting underage characters in such outfits/positions.

16. Do you want to buy a robot (feel free to sing to the tune of Do You Want To Build A Snowman)
Stanley Tucci's characters big idea in the film, is to create robots, based on the Robots that destroyed cities in 3 previous films, and sell them to people... what the hell?

17. Transformium!
Transformium... That's up there with Avatar's Unobtanium for s**t names!

18. Megatron transferred to Galvatron!
How did Megatron's severed head, with no access to his Spark (a Transformers soul/essence), transfer said essence to Galvatron to be reborn?

19. All Chinese people know kung Fu!
In Bay's mind, all Chinese people seem to know Kung Fu.



20. Lockdown's ship hidden by clouds!
For quite a portion of the film, Lockdown's ship is hidden from us mere mortals by... clouds. How did he know to pick that day, did he check the weather forcast first?

21. Lockdown's human friendly weapons!
Lockdown's ship happens to contain weapons small enough for Wahlberg and Lucky Charms to use... that's lucky isn't it!

22. Gravity defying ship... no match for cables!
In order to buy time to escape Lockdown's ship, which is firing up it's dark matter drive to leave Earth, the Autobots fire mooring cables into skyscrapers in downtown Chicago (poor Chicago, hit again by bots!). These cables are enough to hold the ship in in place, this is despite the fact that said ship, later in the movie, effortlessly lifts cargo ships, Autobots, cars, buildings etc, before dropping them.

23. Chicago... just get on with it and ignore that ship!
Chicago, the scene of the final battle in Dark Of The Moon gets hit again in this outing. You would have thought, after last time, when they see a large ship in the sky they would maybe run away... you'd be wrong. In some scenes, when the ship is clearly visable there are people merrily going about their business.

24. Lockdown's ship really the TARDIS!
Lockdown's escape pod/ship happens to be his trophy case? Anyway, that's not the point I'm making. When the Autobots are hanging out of the back of the escape ship, there isn't much room for them, yet the Dinobots, who are considerably larger than them, are caged up in there? How?

25. Optimus Prime enslaves the Dinobots!
Optimus Prime, the number one proponent for freedom, enslaves the Dinobots for his own (and their future) benefit... WTF!

26. Wahlberg has Tucci's number!
Wahlberg calls Tucci and talks him into switching sides... how did Wahlberg get the number? Is there a 15 minute cut scene where he phones reception, they put him through to Tucci's secretary and she puts him on hold?

27. Wahlberg kills CIA assassin!
In a rather bizarre fight, Wahlberg manages to kill, a highly trained CIA assassin using an American football for distraction... did I miss the part where it was revealed Wahlberg was a former agent or fighter?



28. Optimus' rockets
If Optimus had rockets, and the ability to fly into space all along, why didn't he just fly the bomb into space and detonate it? It would have made the movie shorter at the very least.



29. Here, have some Dinobots...
Most of the movies hype revolved around the inclusion of the Dinobots. Why was it then that we only got them for around 15 minutes at the end?

30. This is a 12A right?
The death toll in this film has increased from previous films, so too has the severity of the deaths. Take for example the immolation of TJ Miller... did they forget this was a family film, based on a childrens toy line?

I best stop there otherwise, I may go on for a while...

There you have it, a few of my issues with Transformers: Age Of Extinction. What issues did you have with the film? Leave me your thoughts below.

Thanks for stopping by, I do hope you enjoyed yourself.

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